Top Ten Formerly Unwritten Rules for Cubs

In Commentary And Analysis, Facepalm by andcounting72 Comments

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There has been much talk in recent nadirs on the Cubs' undulating saga of suck years about the unwritten rules of baseball. Don't steal when you're up by ten runs. Don't steal when you're down by ten runs. Don't swing at 3-0 pitches when you're up by five runs. So, since it's Friday and I haven't put up a daily facepalm in a couple of days (let's not explore the paradox hanging between the daily facepalm's moniker and its haphazard occurrence, that's not what this is about), I thought it would be a good time to review some unwritten rules for the Chicago Cubs to follow. I understand that this technically undoes their unwrittenness, but I think it's time we move out of the era of oral tradition as it obviously has its flaws resulting in gross misapplication of unwritten rules. Right, Steve? Of course. Here we go.

10. You suck.

Wait, never mind. That one's been written many times.

10. If you suck, try not to ruin it for the players that don't.

9. If you throw at Bryce Harper, hit Bryce Harper, not a lonely patch of dirt somewhere in the general vicinity of Bryce Harper's feet.

8. Before criticizing the way an opponent hits, first learn to hit. Either a moving baseball or a stationary Bryce Harper, learn to hit at least one of them.

7. If Team A has the best record in the league and Team B has one of the worst records in the history of baseball, Team A should be criticizing Team B and not the other way around.

6. Unwritten rules are best left unspoken.

5. The fifth inning of last night's game is not the time to be giving up.

4. The appropriate time to give up was May 6 at 3:11 p.m.

3. Don't ever shut down your ace on the brink of the playoffs. You never know when his career might end. (Sorry, that's for the Nationals.)

2. Don't ever overuse your ace in the playoffs. You never know how it might injure them permanently. (Sorry, that's for the 2003 Cubs.)

1. Getting angry at an opposing batter for swinging at pitches is as idiotic as getting angry at an opposing pitcher for continuing to pitch.

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  1. Suburban kid

    1. Getting angry at an opposing batter for swinging at pitches is as idiotic as getting angry at an opposing pitcher for continuing to pitch.

    When the Nats were up by 5 runs and their pitcher continued to throw strikes, I was like, “what a jerk”..

    /Steve Clevenger’s bum piss

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  2. Mercurial Outfielder

    Seriously, WTF is Clevenger talking about? That’s so fucking dumb, I can’t believe that sentence was the result of human cognitive processes.

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  3. Suburban kid

    josh wrote:

    @ Suburban kid:
    I like that Clevenger also slighted Lendy Castillo in his statement. That was my favorite part.

    That was fricken awesome.

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  4. Mercurial Outfielder

    @ josh:
    Sveum did, too. Blamed it on “Theo’s Rule 5 Guy” not having any control. I think there’s some real discontinuity between the FO and the dugout and I think it’s going to cost Sveum his job.

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  5. josh

    AC had a good point that Ron Santo used to always get mad if the Cubs didn’t keep “adding on” even with a 5-run lead. And Ron was as old school as you get.

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  6. Mercurial Outfielder

    Kasper is being real ass on the radio trying to pretend like there are defensible reasons for what the Cubs did.

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  7. Rice Cube

    @ Mercurial Outfielder:
    The vid I posted yesterday was from the Nats’ point of view but Len and Bob were both defending Jamie Quirk last night and wondered why the Nats coach wasn’t ejected. My theory is that the 3B ump heard everything Quirk said since he’s within proximity of the coach’s box, and if only Quirk was ejected, it had to be pretty fucking bad.

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  8. Mercurial Outfielder

    @ Rice Cube:

    Yep. And Len tried to keep up this inane defense that Porter created the incident by responding. So it’s ok if the Cubs respond to people playing baseball, but it’s not okay for the Nats’ 3B coach to respond to being verbally assaulted for something a player did. Wonderful analysis from the Cubs PBP guy.

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  9. Rice Cube

    @ josh:
    It’s on the Gameday. He made an incredible catch and then slammed face-first into the OF fence area. Was down for a bit but walked off the field under his own power. Looked like he might have snapped his neck back a bit.

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  10. josh

    That was the most lukewarm tossing I’ve ever seen, both on the side of Hurdle and Darling. Hurdle must have just been saying “Throw me out Gary, I’m out of gum. Please?”

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  11. Mercurial Outfielder

    Sveum’s not worried about blowing the lead because he expects the Pirates to stop trying after they score 5 runs.

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  12. Rice Cube

    @ josh:
    He should’ve had a full view of the SS and his positioning prior to the play. Sometimes you can make it especially if the SS has to move laterally, but this was hit right to the guy. I guess Brett Jackson knows he’s fast.

    Also, is that like a millipede/spider thing? I know it’s an arthopod of some sort and that’s about it (dying laughing)

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  13. Rice Cube

    I finally got a chance to check out the WTF podcast (had to put kid to bed before I turned on the F-bombing) and it is enjoyable. I’m not sure if you guys saw it already, but Dale Sveum was not in agreement with his bench coach:

    http://espn.go.com/blog/chicago/cubs/post/_/id/13376/cubs-not-in-complete-agreement-over-spat

    At some point they’re going to talk about the coaching staff and I really wonder how much this incident factors in.

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  14. josh

    @ Rice Cube:
    House centipede, commonly called. They live in your house because the temp stays even over the year, which mimics their Mediterranean origins. They also eat things like spiders, silverfish, bed bugs, cockroaches and other things usually considered pests, so they are a beneficial predator. This one, after I photographed it, I blew on it gently to get it moving, it let go of the wall, used its legs to parachute to the floor, and disappeared under the baseboard like an armored ninja.

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  15. Suburban kid

    They live in your house because the temp stays even over the year, which mimics their Mediterranean origins.

    They live for a full year?

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  16. Suburban kid

    It was funny hearing calm, stable, mature AC going off on WTF.

    What with MB and MO mellowing out over the last few years, it was nice to hear an OV author blow a gasket for a change.

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