In case you pay no attention to anything related to baseball you knew that Josh Hamilton is an alcoholic and a drug addict.
To let you know how far I've come, let me tell you where I've been.
Not that long ago, there were nights I went to sleep in strange places praying I wouldn't wake up. After another night of bad decisions, I'd lie down with my heart speeding inside my chest like it was about to burst through the skin. My thinking was clouded, and my talent was one day closer to being totally wasted.
I prayed to be spared another day of guilt and depression and addiction. I couldn't continue living the life of a crack addict, and I couldn't stop, either. It was a horrible downward spiral that I had to pull out of, or die. I lay there — in a hot and dirty trailer in the North Carolina countryside, in a stranger's house, in the cab of my pickup — and prayed the Lord would take me away from the nightmare my life had become. — Josh Hamilton
This was written in 2007 and it's a story that is very similar to that of most addicts. For those of you who aren't aware, I'm also an alcoholic and drug addict. Like Hamilton, my drug of choice was crack cocaine. I never prayed the Lord would take me away, but I did pray someone/something/anything would take my life. Perhaps I prayed to Joe Pesci. He looks like a guy who can get things done. Death was easier than living, but the crack runs out when you're dead. So living was my only option because there was no way I was giving that up.
For those wondering, this type of feeling isn't a once a month type of things for addicts. It's every single day. The only time you don't feel like that is when you're high.
I know what Hamilton has been through. I never slept in a hot and dirty trailer in North Carolina, but Hamilton probably never woke up in the middle of the woods without any clue as to which direction to go to get out of it. I never walked down the middle of a highway at night when I high. Hamilton probably didn't stand on a 4th floor balcony ledge thinking he was invincible. I don't know if Hamilton hopped in his car and moved across country in the middle of the night with only the clothes he was wearing. Our stories are different, but they're much the same too.
We are both addicted to the same two drugs. We both put our body's through hell just so we could get high one more time. We both said each time would be our last. We each thought our life would get better and then later on didn't even give a shit if it did. We ruined relationships with women, our friends and family and lost jobs because of our addiction. We ignored others when they tried to talk to us about it. We did some remarkably stupid things. At some point we each realized where our lives were headed and made a change. We had support groups encouraging us along the way.
God didn't save my life like Hamilton says he saved his. My life was saved by the closest friend I've ever had. I had unbelievable help from my family and friends. My parents were and still are the most forgiving parents one can imagine. My friends and family rallied around me as I tried to get sober. They still rally around me as I try to remain sober every day of my life. I've had better luck than Hamilton, but we're both quite fortunate for the friends and family that helped us quit in the first place.
Josh Hamilton recently relapsed. It's not the first time it has happened and it may not even be the second time for all we know. There are those who want us to be outraged by these actions. There are those who feel morally superior to him because of this. There are some who view Hamilton with righteous indignation. The super human athlete has made a human mistake and it's time for these people to pounce on Hamilton.
By the way, I cannot possibly imagine publicly apologizing for this in the way that Hamilton did. I think we have a long way to go as a society if this type of action is necessary. I can god damn guarantee you that this was not his decision to go in front of the microphone and it never should have happened. It's difficult enough apologizing in private to the people who you actually hurt. Publicly apologizing to people undeserving of one is outrageous.
Hamilton apparently had some drinks on Monday. As an addict Hamilton cannot afford to fall into the same pattern that led to him abusing these drugs. It's a very easy pattern to develop. It's probably easier to allow that pattern to develop than it is to prevent it. Actually, I know it is.
As much as people want to be a part of Hamilton's life and inner circle, they are most likely not. As much as a Rangers fan or a baseball fan would like to think this might affect their enjoyment of the game, it probably won't. This is a personal issue for Hamilton, his family, friends and those others in his inner circle. While the Rangers did take a risk in acquiring Hamilton and paying him the kind of money they do, nobody assumes more risk than his friends and family. The ones he can help destroy are the ones who deserve an apology. Hamilton's risk is factored into his pay.
We've all done something destructive in our lives. Whether it's drinking and driving when you're young and stupid, abusing alcohol and/or drugs, committing crimes, smoking, eating too much or not getting enough exercise, itt's probably safe to say that nearly all of the American population has done something destructive to themselves or others. So Josh Hamilton has done something destructive again. Life moves on.
I hope Hamilton confides in those close to him and tries to get past this. If this is a simple relapse it's relatively easy to move on. You simply ignore those who feel superior to you, listen to those close to you and do whatever it was that led you to remaining sober in the first place. I hope it does not become a pattern. If it does it won't be long before he lay there — in a hot and dirty trailer in the North Carolina countryside, in a stranger's house, in the cab of his pickup — and praying the Lord would take him away from the nightmare his life has become.
Comments
Thanks for posting this. My brother has been and still is an addict, though he backed off of crystal meth and now just smokes marijuana. Still, he was hard to live with for a long time. But it took years before I realized how hard it must have been for him to live with me. I was always very judgmental. I always expected more from him. I expected him to fuck up. I know I made it harder for him, and it sucks that it at some point became too late for me to amend that.
joshQuote Reply
Wow, powerfull stuff mb. Nicely done.
MishQuote Reply
I have an ebook on Josh Hamilton titled. “Beyond Belief” if anyone is interested in it. Also have a few other baseball related ones too. Shoot me an email if interested.
pinetarQuote Reply
Cone, that shouldn’t be an issue in a few days. I don’t know why it’s doing it now, but we’re going to be switching themes. Sorry for that.
mb21Quote Reply
@ josh:
I think a lot of people expect addicts to fuck up and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. It took me awhile to accept that when I saw how cautious my family was when they were around me, but they were cautious for a reason. In all honest, that hurt more than anything else. Seeing that gave me motivation to stay sober. It still does. It’s difficult if you’re still an addict, but you can’t apologize for your behavior. Addicts are difficult people to deal with. It’s them that need to change.
mb21Quote Reply
@ Mish:
Thanks.
mb21Quote Reply
@ pinetar:
I’m interested in Beyond Belief. You still have my email, right?
mb21Quote Reply
That was very nicely done, MB. Thanks for that post.
As an aside, it was all serious and powerful and stuff and then I get to the GBTS special end of comments link…and (dying laughing)
Rice CubeQuote Reply
I was out in Schaumburg with the boy for his birthday (it’s actually tomorrow but we all want to watch the Super Bowl) and went into the Cubs Clubhouse for a few minutes. Saw Carlos Zambrano’s jerseys were for sale, but actually not that much…home pinstripes were still at $95 and the T-shirts were at 60% of regular price around $15. That’s pretty good, I guess, considering that Pujols jerseys were being given away for free or 80-90% off.
Rice CubeQuote Reply
http://obstructedview.net/chicago-cubs/so-josh-hamilton-relapsed.html#GBTS
(dying laughing)
mb21Quote Reply
Really, this seems unnecessary. Don’t you have your own blog for perspectives on addiction?
Aisle424Quote Reply
Aisle424 wrote:
This is really meta. I think the blog just divided by zero.
Rice CubeQuote Reply
@ Aisle424:
I still can’t believe Al said that to you. How can he be blogging and be unable to take a joke?
mb21Quote Reply
I think part of the reason Hamilton apologizes publicly is because of all the publicity he has put out there about getting sober. I certainly don’t think anyone has the right to demand an apology from him and his sobriety is of no concern to me but if you are going to go on and on about how God has saved your life then people are going to expect you to say something when you fall off the wagon. In a lot of ways Hamilton has set himself up to answer for this. Considering he has had to have paid full time babysitters “chaperone” him during the baseball season I just wonder if continuing to play baseball is his best choice in trying to maintain his sobriety. I also think it would benefit him not to go on and on about how well things are going when he’s playing well and giving interviews.
melissaQuote Reply
@ melissa:
I don’t disagree with you and I actually think playing professional sports is a horrible career move for someone who is an addict.
I still feel an apology is unnecessary even though he has gone on and on about being sober. He understands that part of sobriety is fighting the urge to use again and he also knows that there’s a decent chance he will use at some point. I think it’s the general public who is uneducated about addiction. I’ve mentioned this before, but the following commercial is all the education an entire generation received about drug abuse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub_a2t0ZfTs
An earlier generation learned all they ever learned about drugs from this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLLLTntnqjk
mb21Quote Reply
@ mb21:
Don’t forget DARE, the drug-prevention effectiveness equivalent of abstinence education in sex ed.
BerseliusQuote Reply
@ Berselius:
I forgot about that. (dying laughing)
mb21Quote Reply
@ mb21:
I own Reefer Madness. Most hilarious depiction of marijuana use by a motion picture full length or short.
joshQuote Reply
@ josh:
Yep. I own it as well, but haven’t watched it for many years. I might have to watch it soon. Hadn’t thought about it for awhile.
mb21Quote Reply
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62T9ESyOtJo&sns=em
WaLi22Quote Reply
@ Berselius:
I remember a cop coming into our class with this big wooden case full of drugs. Would I have ever even heard of peyote without that? Doubtful.
joshQuote Reply
@ mb21:
It’s completely insane. To me, though, it’s just as insane as those commercials where they run over some little girl after getting high. If you make your message that extreme, it makes it easier for people to dismiss.
joshQuote Reply
http://io9.com/5881494/your-state-sucks-at-science
[img]http://cache.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/8/2012/02/c570c7e854e2bd88d5666a797a17724c.jpg[/img]
Rice CubeQuote Reply
[img]http://images.spatiallyadjusted.com/united-countries-of-baseball.jpg[/img]
Cubs country seems so small.
Rice CubeQuote Reply
@ josh:
Exactly. The message I got as a child was that if I used drugs I’d either die or become so stupid I’d wish I was dead. Yet when I took drugs I woke up the next morning. The message failed.
mb21Quote Reply
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NK8lhBlPmGY
BerseliusQuote Reply
Another PSA against drugs to show kids would be the giant adrenialine syringe scene from Pulp Fiction. That scareed me shitless
BerseliusQuote Reply
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJ4bw-mqL3c
Aisle424Quote Reply
Aisle424 wrote:
(dying laughing)
God I miss faget points.
fang2415Quote Reply
@ Aisle424:
Ha! I was thinking of that one too. Very nice.
Rice CubeQuote Reply
mb21 wrote:
I don’t know if he’s always been like that, but the man can’t let any barb go that he even perceives as being aimed at him. If he had not jumped into it and gotten all condescending about it, nobody else would have commented on it. Instead he called attention to it and got a few people defending me in the process. He has no sense of when he should just let something lie.
Aisle424Quote Reply
@ Rice Cube:
It’s too bad it didn’t have the shots of Harold and Kumar (dying laughing) after the commercial.
Rice CubeQuote Reply
Rodgers —> MVP
DISCOUNT DOUBLE CHECK!
Rice CubeQuote Reply
@ Berselius:
Or Bad Lieutenant.
mb21Quote Reply
There was an independent movie I watched not long ago that had the best depiction of an addict I have ever seen. I just wish I could remember the name of it.
Berselius, I’m wondering if I emailed you about this movie when were talking about this stuff awhile back.
mb21Quote Reply
@ mb21:
Requiem For A Dream?
Rice CubeQuote Reply
mb21 wrote:
I think you were talking about Shameless
BerseliusQuote Reply
Combing through my emails, you also mentioned Bad Lieutenant and Rush
BerseliusQuote Reply
GBTS —-> Darkhorse Fore Smoked Stout on tap
GBTSQuote Reply
(dying laughing) I just realized how inappropriate that was in a thread about substance abuse.
GBTSQuote Reply
First time poster, been reading for about two years here and previously ACB.
Love the article and thanks for sharing. I liked the joe pesci line, watching some george carlin recently? Ive done alot of drugs but not crack..sad to say this but I was ‘addicted’ to marijuana for 3-4 years. I say addicted just because it wasnt really an addiction, I just got so used to escaping and not caring about anything/anybody. I mean, coffee, fast food, masturbation (yes that), cigarettes, gambling etc there are so many things that can take you hostage.
With weed though I used to blame it all the time, but it was more about refusing to grow up/hide from problems/temporary happiness…when I started to lose the friends I had and noticed my family’s agitation with me I knew I had to grow a pair and make changes. I went without it for three months straight but the thought of it was always there..its crazy how your mind tells you you must do this activity everyday, I just had to make new habits to break the old ones.
I rarely smoke pot anymore since I do not see a problem with it if its used in moderation. Prefer the high to alcohol but thats just me.
fueledbyvinylQuote Reply
@ Berselius:
That could be. William H Macy is pretty awesome at playing a drunk.
mb21Quote Reply
Berselius wrote:
Both of those depicted addicts better than most. I’m still thinking there was a movie I watched recently though. It wasn’t Requiem for a Dream. I saw that, but don’t remember too much about it.
mb21Quote Reply
@ fueledbyvinyl:
Thanks. Haven’t watched Carlin in several years, but that’s one of my favorites.
I sometimes do miss smoking marijuana, but not so much that I’d risk it. I know before long I’d be drinking and then I’d be using other drugs. For some people they can do it. The highs I get these days are from running.
I didn’t give everything up though. I still smoke, but I run every day. That’s how I get my highs these days. I eat well. I don’t drink coffee and rarely drink a soda. I have to have some vice. (dying laughing)
mb21Quote Reply
Great article, MB.
AndCountingQuote Reply
@ mb21:
Same as your old email address? Cox? What format you want the book in?
pinetarQuote Reply
GBTS wrote:
That sounds good! I’ll try a pint.
pinetarQuote Reply
@ pinetar:
Yeah, gmail one. A pdf file would be easiest for me as I’ll add it to the Kindle for Mac. Is it already that format?
mb21Quote Reply
@ mb21:
I have everything in epub format but can covert to anything just not sure how the convert to certain formats will work is the issue.
pinetarQuote Reply
Here’s another old marijuana movie: http://www.archive.org/details/Marihuana-the_Devils_Weed
Mostly, it’s just an excuse to show naked people (in a skinny-dipping scene) in an era when nudity was not normally allowed.
ACTQuote Reply
@ ACT:
Nothing more than propaganda. It’s no different than alcohol. Some people can handle others can’t.
pinetarQuote Reply
@ pinetar:
epub will work fine. I have a couple of those and have converted them to pdf. Or I can just open them with an app.
mb21Quote Reply
@ mb21: Check your email then. I added a couple, one is very interesting and Cub related. I think you will like. Email me and I will fill you in on access to 1.2TB of ebooks.
pinetarQuote Reply
(dying laughing) @ Drew Brees being Offensive Player of the Year, but losing MVP to another quarterback. Makes perfect sense.
GBTSQuote Reply
Hey MB,great post. I appreciate the realness and honesty. Best of luck with the running and smokes.
Snyds01Quote Reply
Haven’t posted often on the new site, MB, but I’m sure you remember me from ACB. Anyways, great post. Really captured what it’s like, and I couldn’t agree more about the ridiculous scrutiny Hamilton is under right now. Being an addict is a tough, tough thing in any persons life, and I don’t think anyone should have to apologize to random fans over their life choices.
PFDQuote Reply
With all due respect to mb and his past, it’s pretty shitty that you guys had a discussion about drugs without me. (dying laughing)
MGL would even grant me authority to opine on drug related topics. (dying laughing)
MishQuote Reply
The discussion was about former drug abusers, Mish. You wouldn’t have qualified.
Suburban kidQuote Reply
Thanks a lot, guys. I appreciate your comments on this topic.
new shit up: http://obstructedview.net/chicago-cubs/pitch-fx-player-cards.html
mb21Quote Reply
Don’t you think Cole Hauser wud make a good choice to play Josh Hamilton if they make a movie about him?
kareena kapoorQuote Reply