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In News And Rumors by aisle424102 Comments

I don’t think anyone featuring as many as two functioning brain cells actually thought James Russell’s start would go well.  I’d be willing to bet that Russell himself probably told his family not to bother DVRing it.  Yet, somehow, some way, the Cubs managed to reveal their one true talent and let it shine for all to see as they showed they have no peer when it comes to consistently coming in under the lowest of expectations.  They are the limbo champions of baseball.

I can’t even go into too much detail because it makes my head hurt to rehash too much of the game, but I will say that when Jeff Samardzija is not the worst thing about your night, you did not have a stellar night.

The closest thing I can find to approximate what it was like to watch the Cubs game tonight is represented here:

But don’t worry Cubs fans, when this spot in the rotation comes around again, the Cubs will surely have a solution all ready to go.  I have looked into this matter and I have a source that assures me they have top men working on it right now.


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  1. Aisle424

    [quote name=Mercurial Outfielder]Correct.[/quote]
    You, and I, don’t, often agree, but, in this, case,,,,,,c,o,r,r,e,c,t

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  2. Mercurial Outfielder

    [quote name=Aisle424]You, and I, don’t, often agree, but, in this, case,,,,,,c,o,r,r,e,c,t[/quote]You comma, I feel.

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  3. Mercurial Outfielder

    [quote name=AndCounting]That game was the worst thing every to happen to baseball.[/quote]

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  4. Aisle424

    [quote name=AndCounting]That game was the worst thing every to happen to baseball.[/quote]
    Besides steroids.

    /MSM’d

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  5. Mercurial Outfielder

    [quote name=Aisle424]Besides steroids.

    /MSM’d[/quote]If I were still an editor, I would ban you for just writing that word.

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  6. Aisle424

    I bet Al is already penning his missive about how putting Kerry Wood in couldn’t possibly have been worse, and they played so badly he might actually be somewhere in the vicinity of having a convoluted, and ill-conceived point.

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  7. Mercurial Outfielder

    [quote name=Aisle424]I bet Al is already penning his missive about how putting Kerry Wood in couldn’t possibly have been worse, and they played so badly he might actually be somewhere in the vicinity of having a convoluted, and ill-conceived point.[/quote]That depends if he’s been given the go-ahead from his master and commander, ol’ CK.

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  8. Mercurial Outfielder

    [quote name=Aisle424]Agreed. I’m eagerly awaiting his next one.[/quote]Yeah, I’m curious to see what he does with this. Admittedly I’m inclined to agree with his dismal outlook, but Chuck isn’t one to fudge the numbers. It’ll be interesting to see what he’s going to say.

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  9. AndCounting

    [quote name=Aisle424]Besides steroids.

    /MSM’d[/quote]No way. The guys on Baseball Tonight stopped the highlights from tonight’s game to say, “You know what? Barry Bonds is the homerun king. If this is baseball with integrity, please bring back cheating.”

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  10. Mercurial Outfielder

    [quote name=AndCounting]No way. The guys on Baseball Tonight stopped the highlights from tonight’s game to say, “You know what? Barry Bonds is the homerun king. If this is baseball with integrity, please bring back cheating.”[/quote]If this is a joke, (dying laughing) (dying laughing) (dying laughing) (dying laughing)

    If it’s for real, I call bullshit.

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  11. AndCounting

    [quote name=Aisle424]I bet Al is already penning his missive about how putting Kerry Wood in couldn’t possibly have been worse, and they played so badly he might actually be somewhere in the vicinity of having a convoluted, and ill-conceived point.[/quote]I think Felix Hernandez could have thrown a complete-game 1-hitter for the Cubs and they still would have lost 8-1.

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  12. AndCounting

    [quote name=Mercurial Outfielder]If this is a joke, (dying laughing) (dying laughing) (dying laughing) (dying laughing)

    If it’s for real, I call bullshit.[/quote]Joke. I haven’t watched Baseball Tonight in quite awhile. I can feel myself getting dumber when it’s on my TV, and I’m not too bright to begin with.

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  13. Horny Goat

    since “two and half men” is/was so popular, perhaps that could provide fodder with the cubs roster in some way.

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  14. Mercurial Outfielder

    [quote name=AndCounting]Joke. I haven’t watched Baseball Tonight in quite awhile. I can feel myself getting dumber when it’s on my TV, and I’m not too bright to begin with.[/quote]Yeah, that show is the Cubs of sports tv.

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  15. Mercurial Outfielder

    [quote name=Horny Goat]since “two and half men” is/was so popular, perhaps that could provide fodder with the cubs roster in some way.

    [/quote]2008: Winning.

    2011: Whores and Failure.

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  16. Horny Goat

    [quote name=Aisle424]Alright, I’m out for the night, fuckmeltingfaces![/quote]
    I’ll flag that one myself.

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  17. Mercurial Outfielder

    [quote name=Horny Goat]I’ll flag that one myself.[/quote]You only come here to nitpick.

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  18. mikjones24

    At least you got to watch the game. Mediacom is awful. But after a few innings on gamecast I thought the same about the 5 spot. Whatev.

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  19. Mercurial Outfielder

    [quote name=Horny Goat]did Colvin go below the .100 mark yet?

    will this be the worst hitting team in cubs history?[/quote]Correct. False. Maybe.

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  20. Horny Goat

    [quote name=mikjones24]At least you got to watch the game. Mediacom is awful. But after a few innings on gamecast I thought the same about the 5 spot. Whatev.[/quote]
    I regret watching SOME of that dreadful game, even though I knew the outcome already. Who does that? (dying laughing)

    I watched a good Twins team (again) beat a nice- early I know- Royals team (again)

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  21. Horny Goat

    I wasn’t a fan of Sierra Nevada, btw. Looking for something different since I quit drinking whiskey, etc… no more liquor for me.

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  22. Mercurial Outfielder

    [quote name=Horny Goat]MO, I remember you being a fan of IPA beers. Any new ones?[/quote]Walking Man Homo Erectus is a revelation. DesChutes has their Red Chair NWPA out now, and that’s always good. Fort George has a run of can-conditioned pales and IPAs out now that are all quite good. Oskar Blues’ Dale’s Pale Ale is a go-to for me. Boneyard’s RPM IPA is the Platonic form of Pacific Northwest IPA. Where are you at, BTW? It’ll depend on location. These are the beers you can get here in the PacNW. If you’re in Chicago, I can’t recommend Half Acre Daisy Cutter highly enough, and Two Brother’s Bitter End and Hop Juice are very, very good.

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  23. Mercurial Outfielder

    [quote name=Horny Goat]I wasn’t a fan of Sierra Nevada, btw. Looking for something different since I quit drinking whiskey, etc… no more liquor for me.[/quote]What do you look for in a beer? Hoppy, wheaty, stout character (coffee, molasses, etc)? Malty?

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  24. Mercurial Outfielder

    [quote name=ZappBrannigan]Tried Stone Ruination IPA?[/quote]Oh, yeah. Love Stone beers. Each and every one.

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  25. Horny Goat

    [quote name=Mercurial Outfielder]What do you look for in a beer? Hoppy, wheaty, stout character (coffee, molasses, etc)? Malty?[/quote]
    thanks for the tips, MO. Depends on how I’m feeling but I gotta say I don’t like anything that tastes similar to Sierra Nevada, but I’ve been loving stouts recently. I loved good beer in Germany. Closest thing I’ve found was Franzikaner and even that varies a lot.

    I’m still in Lincoln, NE but we get beers from all over believe me so that’s no problem. I just don’t go out enough to try them all.

    I keep hearing about IPAs and want to taste what all the fuss is about.

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  26. GBTS

    A solid IPA that you should be able to find anywhere is the Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA. I’d also highly recommend their seasonal Aprihop, if you can find it still.

    I also might look at Great Lakes Brewing Company, their Edmund Fitzgerald Porter and Commodore Perry IPA are pretty good. Even if it is from Cleveland.

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  27. Dr. Aneus Taint

    [quote name=Mercurial Outfielder]Walking Man Homo Erectus is a revelation. [/quote]
    Always knew you liked homo beer.

    [quote name=Horny Goat]I’m still in Lincoln, NE but we get beers from all over believe me so that’s no problem.[/quote]
    So it’s almost like a real city now?

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  28. Dr. Aneus Taint

    [quote name=GBTS]A solid IPA that you should be able to find anywhere is the Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA. I’d also highly recommend their seasonal Aprihop, if you can find it still.
    [/quote]
    I like their pumpkin beer.

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  29. WaLi

    [quote name=GBTS]A solid IPA that you should be able to find anywhere is the Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA. I’d also highly recommend their seasonal Aprihop, if you can find it still.
    [/quote]
    Dogfish Head is the shit. Bar I used to get shitfaced frequent in college had 60 minute on tap and 90 minute in bottles. Fun times. I also enjoy Lagunitas.

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  30. Aisle424

    [quote name=Mish]404 page not found…let’s see what happens.[/quote]
    Is that like when you can’t find the page?

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  31. mb21

    [quote name=AndCounting]www.didishutyourightuptoday.com[/quote]Apparently you offended everybody with your last comment. They’re all crying now.

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  32. AndCounting

    [quote name=mb21]Apparently you offended everybody with your last comment. They’re all crying now.[/quote]Or the link actually works and they’re all engrossed by an article about trendy new undiscovered teenage boys.

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  33. Mish

    Fangraphs:

    Bill Hall, Alfonso Soriano, and Darwin Barney put the ‘Stros up by a trey, +.168 WPA. Hall’s single over the head of Starlin Castro was going to widen the Astros’ lead, anyway. But the Cubs helped them add another. First, Soriano let the ball go through the ol’ wickets. He caught a break, though, because that prompted Hall to try for second, where he clearly wasn’t going to make it. Barney to Carlos Pena, then back to Barney — who missed the tag and allowed Hall to reach second safely. Hunter Pence snuck home on the play, giving his team a 3-0 lead.

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  34. mb21

    [quote name=AndCounting]Or the link actually works and they’re all engrossed by an article about trendy new undiscovered teenage boys.[/quote]You’ll always have a friend in NAMBLA.

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  35. mb21

    [quote name=Mish]Fangraphs:

    [/quote]That description is not even close to as good as the one pictured here last night. Why bother explaining it in those terms when it’s been far better explained already?

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  36. mb21

    It still cracks me up that the Cubs signed a pitcher from Cuba who wasn’t even good in Cuba.

    Cubs scout: maybe a change of scenery will make him better

    Why on earth would you sign a guy who couldn’t even be decent in what the equivalent of A ball?

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  37. Dr. Aneus Taint

    [quote name=mb21]Serrano was the F7 of Cuba. No, that’s not right. He was worse than f7 in Cuba.[/quote]

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  38. mb21

    All he did after coming here was what we expected: 5.24 ERA last year. $250K down the drain. So the Cubs really threw away $11.75 million when they got rid of Silva.

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  39. mb21

    The good news with that 5.24 ERA is that it was an improvement over what he’d done in Cuba. The problem is that it was at a much easier level.

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  40. Mish

    Order of operations here would go –

    Parentheses 9+3 = 12
    The multiply/divide left to right so first
    48 /2 = 24

    And finally 24 * 12
    = 288

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  41. mb21

    [quote name=Mish]Order of operations here would go –

    Parentheses 9+3 = 12
    The multiply/divide left to right so first
    48 /2 = 24

    And finally 24 * 12
    = 288[/quote]False

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  42. Rice Cube

    [quote name=Mish]Order of operations here would go –

    Parentheses 9+3 = 12
    The multiply/divide left to right so first
    48 /2 = 24

    And finally 24 * 12
    = 288[/quote]
    SMRT

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  43. Rice Cube

    [quote name=Mish]Am I missing something?[/quote]
    No, I think you’re right about the order of operations. Berselius would know, he has numbers on the brain.

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  44. AndCounting

    [quote name=Mish]Order of operations here would go –

    Parentheses 9+3 = 12
    The multiply/divide left to right so first
    48 /2 = 24

    And finally 24 * 12
    = 288[/quote]The TI-82 disagrees.

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  45. Rice Cube

    See, if it were 48 div (2(9+3)), then it should be 2. But there is no second set of parentheses, so I think Mish is correct.

    But I am not a math major, nor have I actually done math for more than just fun since I was a freshman in college.

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  46. Mish

    [quote name=AndCounting]The TI-82 disagrees.[/quote]
    Microsoft Excel agrees with me, unless there is something I am missing.

    Seriously, this is going to bug me.

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  47. Mish

    [quote name=GBTS]If you fagets actually watched an equation every now and then you would know the answer.[/quote]
    Can’t observe it in a spreadsheet!…Oh wait, I just did.

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  48. Berselius

    Mish is technically correct, which is the best kind of correct, but any mathematician who wrote that down would interpret the answer as two. The main reason is that no one uses that division sign and uses a simple slash instead. Implicitly if you just write a bunch of shit to the right of the slash it’s assumed that’s in the denominator, unless you cordon off that term with its own parentheses.

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  49. Rice Cube

    [quote name=Berselius]Mish is technically correct, which is the best kind of correct, but any mathematician who wrote that down would interpret the answer as two. The main reason is that no one uses that division sign and uses a simple slash instead. Implicitly if you just write a bunch of shit to the right of the slash it’s assumed that’s in the denominator, unless you cordon off that term with its own parentheses.[/quote]
    Hooray!

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  50. Suburban kid

    [quote name=Berselius]Mish is technically correct, which is the best kind of correct, but any mathematician who wrote that down would interpret the answer as two. The main reason is that no one uses that division sign and uses a simple slash instead. Implicitly if you just write a bunch of shit to the right of the slash it’s assumed that’s in the denominator, unless you cordon off that term with its own parentheses.[/quote]Cool people do, ironically.

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  51. Mish

    [quote name=Berselius]Mish is technically correct, which is the best kind of correct, but any mathematician who wrote that down would interpret the answer as two. The main reason is that no one uses that division sign and uses a simple slash instead. Implicitly if you just write a bunch of shit to the right of the slash it’s assumed that’s in the denominator, unless you cordon off that term with its own parentheses.[/quote]
    Yes the division sign through me off but I mentally just turned it into the slash. Makes me feel good, but I didn’t know mathemeticians would interpret it differently.

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