The Cubs can’t lose today.
Nary a single Cubbie appendix has ruptured.
Starlin Castro hasn’t been put in timeout yet.
Alfonso Soriano leads the league in homers.
Wrigley Field hasn’t had chunks of itself fly off in several months.
Albert Pujols‘ free agent value has tumbled to $299 million.
No new Nicolas Cage movies are being released this weekend.
It’s been over 24 hours since a Cub got put on the DL.
Derrek Lee is playing for a winning team comprised almost exclusively of ex-Cubs.
Chris Archer’s career with the Rays is entirely unimpressive thus far.
No reports of any Cubs having dinner.
I haven’t heard a word uttered from the Ricketts family since the season started.
The plan to have 163 starting pitchers vie for the fifth starter position is finally paying off.
I’m pretty sure the Reds will lose eventually.
I’m not so sure the Astros will ever win.
It’s only April.
That last point hasn’t been lost on Kosuke Fukudome.
Carlos Pena being out of the lineup means not having to hear Keith Moreland pronouncing his name like it rhymes with La Niña.
Obstructed View merchandise has yet to sell out (even if we have).
The bullpen test has been scrapped in favor of the starting rotation test.
Jim Belushi is nowhere to be seen.
If you buy tickets for the cheapest seat in Wrigley, there’s a good chance a Wrigley Field Ambassador will offer you better ones for free.
A new episode of Parks & Recreation is only a week away.
Derrick Rose. He’s not a Cub, but he’s good for everyone.
The Cubs beat writers have apparently run out of ideas for running players out of town.
It’s baseball . . let’s see what happens!