St. Louis Cardinals @ Chicago Cubs 5-12

I like this one better. I can actually understand this spreadsheet.

(dying laughing) at Allen Craig playing 2b. I thought he was a corner OF. I guess he’s Skip Schumaker 2.0 (dying laughing)

Wait why do I hate Rasmus?

I like how he’s good at baseball.

I was disappointed in the hate I could muster for this Cards lineup. No Berkman or Theriot. It’s going to be a tough day.

I don’t hate Berkman.

/Not a real yada yada…

Too bad Jon Jay hadn’t reached base. The line drive by Pujols would have been the perfect setup to an unassisted triple play.

Will the playstation network ever get back online?

I forgot to pre-URL that bitch.

(It would save everyone a bunch of time if the meme would evolve that way)

I don’t understand the intentional walk to get to the pitcher with just 1 out. And now it really looks stupid.

Coleman —> 6.66 ERA

He is de debil.

Even Pujols’ outs have been hard hit (dying laughing)

[quote name=AndCounting]You gotta remember, though, two of his really bad starts were very early on.

/brenly’d[/quote]
That doesn’t include this recent start that I did not enjoy.

So mlb.tv isn’t working yet on PS3? That really blows. For you people.

Sickels:

**The Chicago Cubs drafted catcher Micah Gibbs in the third round in 2010 out of Louisiana State. Although his throwing isn’t stellar, he was considered to be one of the top defensive catchers in the draft anyhow, due to his mobility, reliability, and leadership skills. He hit .388/.468/.592 for the Tigers last spring, but most scouts felt that wouldn’t translate into pro ball, which is why he lasted until the third round. He played terribly in the Northwest League after signing, hitting just .203/.274/.250, with no power, disappointing plate discipline, and not-as-polished-as-expected defense. Gibbs is doing better this year, with a fast start at Low-A Peoria resulting in a .353/.457/.456 line. He’s still not hitting for huge power, but his plate discipline has been much better (he drew 13 walks in 42 games last year and has already drawn 12 in 19 this year). He’s still not great at throwing, catching just four of 24 runners so far, but his mobility and reliability look much better this year, and it’s possible that he was just gassed last summer from the long college season. Given the sample size it is too soon to conclude that he’s turned a corner, but I like the restoration of his strike zone judgment.

[quote name=Suburban Kid]You’d think since the PS3 has connectivity they could still run online stuff just using the naked internet while they get their own network fixed, but i guess not.[/quote]
I don’t get why they even have to run it through the fucking PSN network.

[quote name=Rice Cube]Gameday replay is really smallish but it looked like Holliday’s homer landed on Waveland.[/quote]Yeah I think I saw Alvin/one of Alvin’s benchmates wave at it as it passed.

[quote name=Jame Gumb]Fixed.[/quote]
Dick-high joke?

Starlin Castro is magical.

[quote name=AndCounting]Starlin Castro is magical.[/quote]That’s a fairly dick-high comment.

[quote name=Jame Gumb]What’s so bad about Sosa’s taint that it cost him in this case?[/quote]When Al finally comes out with that jazz album of his, he should entitle it “If Not For the Taint”.

[quote name=Rice Cube]

I can say with some confidence that one of you guys who does Photoshop can make this a whole lot better.[/quote]Nicely done.

(dying laughing)

I just read the spreadsheet for the first time, I thought it was another one of b’s fagety ones with “actual stats.”

[quote name=mb21]I guess it was two days ago: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-13304551/quoteGet it right next time.

Well done, AC. Might I suggest that for the Cubs we not measure Scrap, but rather, Laziness.

still (dying laughing) @ this: http://www.galacticempiretimes.com/2011/05/09/galaxy/outer-rim/obi-wan-kenobi-is-killed.html

[quote name=Aisle424]Well done, AC. Might I suggest that for the Cubs we not measure Scrap, but rather, Laziness.[/quote]Great suggestion. All I’ll need to do is learn the HTML code for the infinity symbol.

[quote name=AndCounting]Great suggestion. All I’ll need to do is learn the HTML code for the infinity symbol.[/quote]I think that symbol is available in the editor, but I’m not sure.

Here you go, RC.

[quote name=Jame Gumb]Here you go, RC.

[/quote]
You have a skill.

I was trying to make the beam come out of the scoreboard but it didn’t look right. JG’s version is a definite win.

From there it might be easier to make signals for IBBs and TOOTBLANs.

(dying laughing) @ comment message.

http://www.obstructedview.net/images/stories/bunt.jpg

Both of you just noticed the comment message? I changed it this morning. (dying laughing)

Casey Coleman followed by James Russell. This really is Des Moines.

[quote name=Rice Cube]Is it proper to say he was unarmed when he was the dumbass who decided to shut off his lightsaber?

Granted there were ulterior motives behind that (more powerful than imagined, etc)…[/quote]http://isitpropertosayobiwankenobiwasunarmedwhenhewasthedumbasswhodecidedtoshutoffhislightsaber.com

(dying laughing)

Garcia’s only thrown 40 pitches through 4 IP.

I still haven’t noticed the new message.

Ibid

Also, that’s one hell of a powerful smartphone he’s using to generate the bunt signal so brightly.

[quote name=Chris Dickerson]Ok but this AB, the 2nd and 3rd pitch to Tyler Greene are both well within the strike zone but still called balls.

I realize Garcia is 31 of 40 on strikes but I think that says plenty about the Cubs too.[/quote]Agreed. I haven’t paid that much attention to the game so I really don’t know. What I have seen it hasn’t looked bad, but that doesn’t mean anything.

[quote name=Rice Cube]Also, that’s one hell of a powerful smartphone he’s using to generate the bunt signal so brightly.[/quote]
I’m sure SBNation gave it to him.

Via Arizona Phil:

Making his first appearance in a game since being placed on the 15-day DL on April 5th with a right forearm strain, Wells threw two innings (40 pitches), allowing three runs (two earned) on five hits (three singles, a double, and a triple), with no walks and two strikeouts, and a balk.

Wells retired the first man he faced on a fly out to left on a 2-2 pitch, before allowing a triple into the right-centerfield alley. A spectacular diving catch by CF Kyung-Min Na on a pop fly to short-center saved a run and another base-runner, but the next two batters ripped consecutive two-out RBI hits (a single and a double) to plate the Angels first two runs Wells then recorded the third out of the 1st inning on a 3-1 GO (where Wells had to double-time it to 1st base to just barely beat the batter to the bag).

Wells found himself in trouble again right at the outset of the 2nd inning when a fielding error put the Angels lead-off man on 1st base. A ground out moved the runner up to 2nd, before two singles (on consecutive pitches) drove-in the Angels third run. The big right-hander then got it together and struck out the final two batters he faced, both looking. (Of Wells 28 strikes, ten balls were put into play, three were fouled-off, 11 were called strikes, and four were of the swinging variety).

RHP Andrew Cashner (rotator cuff) is a bit behind Wells in his rehab, and was limited to throwing a “two-inning” (30 pitches) pre-game “live” BP session on Field #2.

http://www.thecubreporter.com/2011/05/12/wells-it-could-have-been-worse

Alvin doesn’t see the parade.

Or take one.

Or not.

This inning is over. Castillo looks absolutely lost against Garcia.

[quote name=mb21]Doug DavisAmbien[/quote]
Oh yeah…

[quote name=mb21]Alvin doesn’t see the parade.[/quote]
He’s just stopping to return a text.

The Cubs are really, really good.

You guys are still watching that shit?

[quote name=Suburban Kid]You guys are still watching that shit?[/quote]Bill Kurtis is singing the stretch. What’s not to love?

[quote name=Suburban Kid]You guys are still watching that shit?[/quote]Reed Johnson is pinch hitting. Who wouldn’t want to watch that?

[quote name=AndCounting]He’s back at CBS in Chicago, so you’re not alone. Jacobson is, too, for what it’s worth.[/quote]And once again my out of touchness bites me in the ass.

Wow, that was a terrible call. That’s what happens when you stop too soon, dumbass.

[quote name=Rice Cube]You ever wonder why none of the Cubs coaches have picked up on that? Running through the base might do less damage to your knees anyway.[/quote]
I’m betting Soriano mentored him to never run further than he absolutely has to.

84 pitches for Garcia.

(dying laughing)
(dying laughing)
(dying laughing)

Cubs suck.

Matt Holliday should be ashamed that John Grabow struck him out.

[quote name=AndCounting]Bill Kurtis is singing the stretch. What’s not to love?[/quote]I’m Bill Kurtis. I, Bill Kurtis, will be singing the stretch. I’m Bill Kurtis.

Ramirez might be better off becoming a slap hitter at this point in his career.

[quote name=mb21]Ramirez might be better off becoming a slap hitter at this point in his career.[/quote]He could do that very well. He’d hit more singles than Ryan Theriot and Kosuke combined.

“White people never want to see race — with anything.”
– Bradley

Isn’t that the opposite of racism prejudice?

Jeez, Castro only saw 10 pitches in 4 PA.

The Cubs are not a patient group of hitters.

Man, Al is all over the fucking place. He’s been everywhere and he’s done everything. He’s Forrest Gump.

[quote name=Aisle424]Not as smart though.[/quote]Yeah but he does have some pretty good Gump like sayings. Like “Done. Deal. Sealed” or my personal favorite “Shut him right up”.

[quote name=mb21]I love how Shut him right up was used. Some White Sox fan yelling at him about how the Cubs suck after the Sox blew the Cubs out. Al turns to them and says “We did today. Shut him right up.” Then he and whoever he’s with have a laugh. What’s funny about it? I’m not one of them fun-suckers, but what is funny about that exchange? Funny in a retarded way? Ok.[/quote]I know. Al is a simpleton. To think he actually thinks he got the better of that guy is hysterical.

http://hardballtalk.nbcsports.com/2011/05/12/how-much-longer-will-cubs-keep-tyler-colvin-up/

[quote name=Muck Muckintuck]Fixed[/quote]It’s not that funny. (dying laughing)

Al always reminds me of this column by Dave Barry about Humor Impaired people:

Today we’re going to attempt a ground-breaking medical experiment in an effort to help those unfortunate readers who suffer from a tragic condition called: Humor Impairment. Don’t laugh! Humor Impairment afflicts Americans from all walks of life. Look at Richard Nixon. Here’s a man whose sense of humor was so badly stunted that he was forced, at White House social functions, to wear special undershorts equipped with radio-controlled electrodes so that his aides could signal him, via electric shocks, when he was supposed to laugh. Sometimes, if the guests were unusually witty, the chief executive wound up twitching like a fresh-caught mackeral as dangerous voltage levels were reached in his boxers.

So it is possible for a Humor Impaired person, through courage and determination, to overcome his handicap, and maybe even someday, like Mr. Nixon, attain the ultimate political achievement of not getting indicted. But before we can treat Humor Impairment, we have to be able to recognize it. It can affect anyone. YOU could have it. To find out whether you do, ask yourself this: What was your reaction to the first paragraph of this column? Did you think: “Ha ha! That Nixon sure is a geek, all right!” Or did you think: “This is offensive, cheap, crude and vicious humor, making fun of a former president of the United States, a major public figure, an internationally recognized elder statesman, just because he is a geek.”

If you had either of these reaction, you are not Humor Impaired, because you at least grasped that the paragraph was supposed to be funny. The Humor Impaired people, on the other hand, missed that point entirely. They are already writing letters to the editor saying: “They wouldn’t use electric shocks! They would use hand signals!” Or: “Where can I buy a pair of undershorts like that?” Trust me! I know these people! I hear from them all the time!

In fact, that’s how I got the idea for the groundbreaking experiment. I had received a large batch of Humor Impaired letters responding to a column I wrote about Mister Language Person, and I was asking myself: How can I respond to these people in a humor column, when they don’t understand that it’s supposed to be humorous? That’s when I came up with my ground-breaking idea. You know how some TV shows are “closed captioned for the hearing impaired,” meaning that if you have a special TV set, you can get subtitles? Well, I thought, why couldn’t you do that with humor?

So the rest of this ground-breaking column will be closed-captioned for the Humor Impaired. After each attempted joke, the humor element will be explained in parentheses, so that you Humor Impaired individuals can laugh right along with the rest of us. Ready? Here we go:

Many readers were upset about a recent column by “Mister Language Person”, the internationally recognized expert (NOT TRUE) who periodically answers common language questions submitted by imaginary readers (HE MAKES THE QUESTIONS UP). All Mister Language Person’s answers are intended to be as accurate (NOT TRUE) and informative (NOT TRUE) as is humanly possible while still containing words such as “booger”. (“BOOGER” IS FUNNY.) No item is ever allowed to appear in Mister Language Person until trained grammarians have indicated their approval by barking at it in an excited manner. (THOSE ARE NOT GRAMMARIANS. THOSE ARE HIS DOGS.)

Although I had thought that the Mister Language Person column met the usual high standards of accuracy (EVERYTHING IN IT WAS WRONG), it contained an item that attracted a very large amount of mail from astute readers (SARCASM: THESE PEOPLE APPEAR TO BE MISSING KEY BRAIN LOBES) (NOT LITERALLY) who saw that, in one of the items, something was wrong. Yes! In a column that was basically a teeming, writhing mass of wrong answers, these keen observers were somehow able to detect: a wrong answer. (HEAVY SARCASM.)

The item that virtualy all these readers focused on was the one where an imaginary airline employee asked whether it was correct to say “A bomb has been placed on one of you’re airplanes” or “A bomb has been placed, on one of you’re airplanes”, (THIS IS NOT REALLY HOW AIRLINES HANDLE BOMB THREATS) (AS FAR AS WE KNOW) and Mister Language Person replied that the correct wording was “A bomb has been placed IN one of you’re airplanes.” (GET IT? IT’S STILL WRONG!! HA HA!) Many readers felt this answer was incorrect and took time out from their busy and rewarding careers in the demanding field of food chewing (PROBABLY NOT TRUE) to write letters containing quotes such as – I am not making these up (HE IS NOT MAKING THESE UP) – “I was shocked with the grammar” and “Never have I seen such a mistake in grammer” and “I sure hope you remember this small bit of information, being as you are a writer you should have known it already.”

Well, readers, I’ve researched this issue carefully (NOT TRUE: HE DRANK A BEER), and although this is not easy for me to say, I have to admit it: Your right. Thanks for “straightening me out.” This job would not be the same without you. I mean it. (HE MEANS IT.)