What's Going On?
Take a look at the headlines at cubs.com. Truly scintillating.
Trey McNutt is willing to not pitch. Outstanding. Jeff Samardzija is ready to be a meaningful part of the Cubs' fate this year, no matter what he has to do. Hooray. Sean Marshall is gone, sure, but don't fear, fans. James Russell is ready to step in. Replace one guy with two first names with another, it's as simple as that. Those headlines not enough to get you excited about the official return of pitchers and catchers? I'm glad you saved some adrenaline for this one, then. Because there's a bunt tourney going on that will blow your Cub-loving mind. It's fun!
At some point, the Daily Facepalm will be overflowing with actual news about Cubs baseball, but that moment is not now. Theo compensation might be announced sometime before the next World Series parade. There are prospects in the Cubs system who might one day make us something more than depressed to be Cubs fans. The answer to "Is there a Cubs game today?" will one day be yes. But that day is not today.
Today is suck. Today there is no baseball. Tomorrow there will be no baseball. And talking about baseball with no actual baseball being played is a lot like sitting around with a bunch of people talking about Kate Upton when none of those people are named Kate Upton. Baseball is best discussed over actual baseball. Or even recently updated spreadsheets. But this is killing me.
I don't want to hear about what happened one time in bunt camp. I don't want to simulate the joy of baseball with an apple pie. I don't want to discuss Trey McNutt with Stifler's mom. I really just want baseball.
So if someone would please do me the favor of bludgeoning me with a tire iron so that I may black out until actual baseball starts, even if it's desperately wretched losing baseball, I would be most grateful.
Is there a Cubs game today?
No.
(dying laughing)
@ Rice Cube:
Yeah, I heard somebody threw up in front of Kate Upton once. If you get a chance with her, it’s probably best for you to pass and send her on to me.
Also, (dying laughing).
(dying laughing)
The buffalo Joes incident was proceeded by a whole fifth of Bacardi while watching 2003 Mark Prior get announced as the new best pitcher in abseball after whooping Maddux..
I feel like i am making a much smarter statement when i start it with “Baseball is best when….”
Try to prove me wrong
In a couple of months, you’re going to relish the days when you didn’t have to talk about the Cubs spending an entire 27 at-bats grounding out weakly to shortstop.
@ dylanj:
I saw the episodes one but not this. I actually love a bunch of lines that aren’t necessarily the catch phrases we all know and love.
“Armand Tanzarian’s reign of terror is over.”
“Her name is Krabapple!? I’ve been calling her Crandel!!”
And a more long winded one:
“The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. They’re all lies, but they’re entertaining lies, and in the end, isn’t that the real truth? The answer is no.”
fang2415 wrote:
I spent my formative years near Buffalo where I became a wing snob. Buffalo Joes’ sauce never tasted right and it had a gritty texture to it that I couldn’t get past. To me, the best wings I’ve had in Chicago were at Yak-zies, they get the heat without sliming the wings up by just dunking more sauce on because they actually cook them after they have been sauced to get a semi-crispy finish. The only problem is that they are too fucking small. But the taste is right on.
But I wuld eat Buffalo Joes over Hooters wings in a millisecond. Anybody who says they go to Hooters for the wings is a fucking liar. They’re terrible.
ChicagoCubsOnline @TheCCO Reply Retweet Favorite · Open
(@nickcafardo) #Cubs player soon to be notified of his transfer to Red Sox.
Favorite Grandpa Simpson quote:
“We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell ‘em stories that don’t go anywhere – like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville…. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ‘em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you’d say… Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. Only they didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…”
Here is a spreadsheet I recently updated:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/26211/the-simpsons-strike-breakers
I’m from around Evanston and lived there for years as an adult, but I don’t enjoy buffalo wings.
@ bubblesdachimp:
Excellent reporting by Cubs beat reporter Nick Cafardo.
So if Cubs beat report Nick Cafardo is right, I’d guess one of Dolis or Gaub. I’d be (dying laughing) if it was Marcos Mateo.
Chris Carpenter ——–> Red Sox
Sullivan actually beat Cafardo to posting it.
@ Aisle424:
Fuck. I thought he played for the Cardinals!
i accept the decision of the tribunal.
Carpenter projects as basically a reliever right? So yeah, whatevers.
@ Aisle424:
I’m good with that. They get a RP, Cubs get Theo. Fine by me.
Now they are saying Carpenter and a PTBNL. Seriously.
GBTS wins half of the internets.
I don’t know anything about Carpenter, but the fact that he hasn’t been discussed much here makes me think the Cubs didn’t lose much.
Does this mean we get Pujols, or what? I don’t understand how this works.
Favorite Simpsons quote: “Certainly, Lenford. Make every day a celebration of your love. Surprise her with a pasta salad. Put a mini beret on your wang.”
@ Aisle424:
So Carpenter + PTBNL for Theo + PTBNL? What?
Heere is why I love Phil Rogers..
After 40 tweets had been tweeted that it was Carpenter
Phil Rogers @ChiTribRogers Reply Retweet Favorite · Open
If Rafael Dolis is Theo comp guy #redsox will rave after 1st bullpen session. Jeff beliveau won’t dazzle but cld be very useful very soon
Aisle424 wrote:
Fixed for typical Tribune sportsdesk hackery.
The Simpsons bit I quote more often is
“I love you, Lord Daftwager.”
“Yes, and I you.”
mb21 wrote:
That’s about right. So the compensation has been “decided,” but we can still obsess over it. It’s win/win.
fucking Rogers. Does he realize that Dolis cant strike anyone out in AA while Beliveau was lights out? But I’m glad Dolis threw a nice bullpen.
Kind of reminds me when KG said last night that minor league stats dont matter to scouts. Its just about tools and projection.
@ mb21:
It makes perfect sense. Two teams who couldn’t come to agreement on the original player, now have to come to two more agreements.
Mercurial Outfielder wrote:
josh wrote:
I don’t recognize either of these quotes. They must be from after Season 9?
@ bubblesdachimp:
Don’t rush him. He only checks his feed
once a weekwhen he created his account.You have to love the Tribune’s baseball writers. One guy is posting the wrong story, the other guy doesn’t even know there is a story.
@ Aisle424:
(dying laughing) it’s funny because GW predicted it would be a PTBNL. Oh well. It’s done for the most part.
@ Aisle424:
The PTBNL-for-PTBNL thing confuses me (dying laughing)
@ Aisle424:
Hipster Ricketts? Is that you?
Mine is from Season 13.
@ Aisle424:
They’re from some obscure season, you probably haven’t watched it.
@ josh:
(dying laughing), well said.
dylanj wrote:
That’s how it should be. If you want your scouts to consider stats then don’t hire a statistical analysis group. The scouts can’t tell the stats people anything they can’t do better and the stats people can’t ell the scouts anything they can’t do better.
A noble heart embiggens the smallest man
It was nice to see Bart’s crossbow make a comeback Sunday, as well as the nice Comic Book Guy reference on the slide at the end.
@ dylanj:
A perfectly cromulent phrase.
no, KG and Law were talking more about not scouting guys based on performance but rather on tools. If thats the case then Vitters still has one of the best right handed swings in baseball and should be a top guy.
Performance matters.
He embiggened that role quite cromulently.
Also, for obvious reasons, I love interjecting “Batman’s a scientist” into any and all possible conversations.
Pretty happy with how this turned out. Carps inability to control and command fastball/ his comments about being pissed off about not getting recalled in September made him a casualty
mb21 wrote:
I thought it was GBTS. I was partially right with it being someone with a G. I’ll skip elevensies. I don’t think that is a dinner-skipping offense.
@ dylanj:
I guess I don’t understand.
Alvin wrote:
phew
(dying laughing)
(dying laughing)
(dying laughing)
I’ll just say this: I want the scouts to be scouts. I’d be thrilled if the scouts didn’t even have any statistical information. I don’t care if the guy had a 300 ERA. The information I want from the scouts is what type of pitches he throws, the velocity, projectability and so on. You pay the statistical analysts money to go over the stats.
go back through his tweets from last night. It basically starts with him saying paying attention to a guy due to his performance is not the right way, that MLE’s are BS and so forth. To which I say, poppycock
BTW, I love that you can embed tweets now.
@ Aisle424:
Yeah, like 15th season. It’s the episode where they go to England.
Re: Simpsons quotes
Purple Monkey Dishwasher.
The PTBNL will be dcided by April 15th so it cant be a new draftee. Also Hoyer compensation coming soon
Though I think the one I use the most is “Now remember, we’re in the Itchy Lot”
@ josh:
That explains it.
Cub fans upset with this deal must think the Cubs acquired Theo solely as a player.
@ Suburban kid:
What about the taxi ride?!
i hope the other PTBNL is not someone super awesome
Youre Darryl Strawberry.
Yes
You play right field.
Yes
I also play right field.
So?
Are you better than me?
Well, ive never met you, but yes.
Berselius wrote:
I do too. That and “Welcome to Itchy & Scratchy Land, where nothing can possibl-eye go wrong”
dylanj wrote:
Yes, that’s right. You have statistical analysts who analyze his performance. You have scouts to provide additional and necessary information. Then you have executives that combine both pieces of information.
You’re right. Performance matters, but that’s something the analysts are being paid to analyze.
GBTS wrote:
.
Miles said the PBTNL coming back is because there has to be a player included for it to be a “trade”. Make no sense to me given the Lou Pineilla and Ozzie “trades”
@ bubblesdachimp:
(dying laughing) has a ptbnl EVER been some super awesome? It’s not like a trade is for some c-level prospect and a PTBNL who ends up being Bryce Harper.
I, for one, hail our new insect overlords.
Berselius wrote:
I would say this and, “Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos” are #1 and #2, respectively.
mb21 wrote:
*cough* Jorge Soler *cough*
I’m not not licking toads.
Bubbles no longer has to worry
ChicagoCubsOnline @TheCCO Reply Retweet Favorite · Open
(@alexspeier) Hearing that the ptbnl components of deal are not considered significant. #redsox #cubs
Aisle424 wrote:
I didn’t know you could do it in the comments. That’s pretty cool.
Not Mr. Blasty!
“Clemens! Did I make the team?”
“You sure did!”
“WOO-HOO!!! IN YOUR FACE, STRAWBERRY!!”
“Wait, are you Ken Griffey Jr.?”
“…no.”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to get your hopes up.”
@ Berselius:
Soler has no stats to even consider. As I’ve said many times, I like the player based on the scouting reports, but that kind of money is absurd. To me, giving Soler that much money is the exact same thing as giving someone like DeJesus a $50 million extension. You’re far more likely to actually get some value in return for that $50 million than you will get for the other $30 million, but both deals are bad.
Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don’t go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.
Don’t tell me what to do.
I also use “I have learned to imitute you exarctly.”
@ mb21:
I must be mixing him up with Conceptcion then (dying laughing).
Aisle424 wrote:
How are you doing this?
@ Aisle424:
I’m trying to find the intersect between the set of lines from the Simpson’s I actually like and the set of those I can remember.
Homer whispers “I think he’s talking to you!”
Berselius wrote:
Download | Convert YouTube to MP3
@ Berselius:
Scouting reports sound lovely, but the numbers are ugly. It cost the Cubs $7.5 million. Again, that’s a crazy amount of money for someone like that. It’s Jeff Samardzija. $7.5 million isn’t that big of a deal. I don’t particularly like it, but whatever.
@ Berselius:
https://twitter.com/#!/dmick89/status/171990625426735104
See where it says Embed this tweet?
Don’t the Cubs still have to compensate the Padres for Hoyer?
@ mb21:
Ah I see, it just doesn’t show up when you select the tweet on the regular timeline.
@ Mucker:
For some reason I thought it was already taken care of. The Padres aren’t being dicks about it at least.
@ Berselius:
I don’t remember honestly.
I love the series of tubes meme as much as anyone, but the guy wasn’t as wrong as he’s portrayed.
Network geeks have been calling data circuits “pipes” for decades, and what he was saying about capacity constraints was generally true.
This is one of those “let’s pile on this guy because it’s easy and fun” scenarios (and because he’s a politician talking shit about stuff he’s pretty clueless on) like Al Gore inventing the Internet. I’m sure his technical advisers said “pipes”, but he remembered it as “tubes”.
@ Suburban kid:
He was also technically correct when he said the internet was not a “dump truck”, and we all know that’s the best kind of correct. LoL Ted Stevens.
@ Suburban kid:
I agree that the analogy is more accurate than given credit for, I think his inflection on “tubes” is what makes it funny. The way he says “series of TUBES” makes it sound like he actually believes the Internet is literally underground PVC pipes where data flows like liquid.
@ GBTS:
And his inexplicable anger. And the fact that he was arguing against net neutrality.
“are you talking to me?”
“no, my son is also named bort.”
http://www.sportsgrid.com/media/kate-upton-dancing-swimsuit-gif/
@ Mish:
@ GBTS:
@ josh:
yeah
“In a way, you’re both winners. But, in a more accurate way, Barney is the winner.”
“No one who speaks German can be an evil man.”
“did you just call me a liar?”
“no…i said ‘you’re fired’”.
“oh…that’s much worse.”
Careful, they’re ruffled!
“Lisa, maybe if I’m part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions…. now where is my airhorn and foam cowboy hat?”
“You’re banned from this Historical Society! You, your children, and your children’s children!…. for three months.”
“So that’s it, after twenty years, so long and good luck?”
“I don’t recall saying good luck.”
That should actually be what we use if we ever have to ban someone from here.
Don’t you have your own blog to post Simpons’ quotes?
@ WaLi:
Don’t have a cow, man.
Principal Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you’re ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.
Superintendant Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Principal Skinner: Oh, no, I said, “steamed hams.” That’s what I call hamburgers.
Superintendant Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams.
Principal Skinner: Yes, it’s a regional dialect.
Superintendant Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?
Principal Skinner: Uh, upstate New York.
Superintendant Chalmers: Really. Well, I’m from Utica and I never heard anyone the phrase, “steamed hams.”
Principal Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no; it’s an Albany expression.
Superintendant Chalmers: I see.
[Chalmers takes a bite of the "steamed ham"]
Superintendant Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Principal Skinner: Oh, no, patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe.
Superintendant Chalmers: For steamed hams.
Principal Skinner: Yes
Superintendant Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.
[shows Skinner the grill marks]
Principal Skinner: Uh… you know… one thing I sh -… ‘scuse me for one second.
Superintendant Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Principal Skinner: The Aurora Borealis?
Superintendant Chalmers: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Principal Skinner: Yes.
Superintendant Chalmers: May I see it?
Principal Skinner: No.
Back to Itchy and Scratchy Land:
Frink: You’ve got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving.
Repairman: How much time do we have, professor?
Frink: [checks clipboard] Well, according to my calculations, the robots won’t go berserk for at least 24 hours.
[Scratchy robot grabs men by the throat]
[Itchy robot goes after another man]
Oh, I forgot to, er, carry the one.
“I’m never going to find that tree, this whole raid’s been as useless as that yellow-shaped rock over there…hey, there’s a lemon behind that rock!”
josh wrote:
Theo is cleverer than we thought!
Take it outside, God boy.
new shit: http://www.obstructedview.net/minor-leagues/baseball-america-top-100-prospects.html
.