What's Going On?
Take a look at the headlines at cubs.com. Truly scintillating.
Trey McNutt is willing to not pitch. Outstanding. Jeff Samardzija is ready to be a meaningful part of the Cubs' fate this year, no matter what he has to do. Hooray. Sean Marshall is gone, sure, but don't fear, fans. James Russell is ready to step in. Replace one guy with two first names with another, it's as simple as that. Those headlines not enough to get you excited about the official return of pitchers and catchers? I'm glad you saved some adrenaline for this one, then. Because there's a bunt tourney going on that will blow your Cub-loving mind. It's fun!
At some point, the Daily Facepalm will be overflowing with actual news about Cubs baseball, but that moment is not now. Theo compensation might be announced sometime before the next World Series parade. There are prospects in the Cubs system who might one day make us something more than depressed to be Cubs fans. The answer to "Is there a Cubs game today?" will one day be yes. But that day is not today.
Today is suck. Today there is no baseball. Tomorrow there will be no baseball. And talking about baseball with no actual baseball being played is a lot like sitting around with a bunch of people talking about Kate Upton when none of those people are named Kate Upton. Baseball is best discussed over actual baseball. Or even recently updated spreadsheets. But this is killing me.
I don't want to hear about what happened one time in bunt camp. I don't want to simulate the joy of baseball with an apple pie. I don't want to discuss Trey McNutt with Stifler's mom. I really just want baseball.
So if someone would please do me the favor of bludgeoning me with a tire iron so that I may black out until actual baseball starts, even if it's desperately wretched losing baseball, I would be most grateful.
Is there a Cubs game today?