1. Anthony Rizzo leads baseball in WPA. Did you know that? Don't lie. You totally didn't.
Seriously, admit it. You didn't know that.
Why do you always do this? It's ok to admit when you don't know something. Nobody is going to think less of you if you don't know that Anthony Rizzo leads all of baseball in WPA. In fact, people KNOW when you're lying. Remember the holiday party two years ago? That time when you said that you definitely knew that Christopher Jackson was in Lin-Manuel Miranda's other musical before Hamilton, but then you COULDN'T EVEN NAME THE MUSICAL!?!? It was embarrassing.
God, this is so frustrating! You don't have to be a fucking walking encyclopedia! I've seen you play Jeopardy!. You aren't as smart as you think you are. You think you're Ken Jennings, and you aren't even a Tom Nissley. Everyone knows that you just say what the contestant said half a second later, and when nobody gets it, you ALWAYS. FUCKING. SAY. YOU. KNEW. IT. IF YOU FUCKING KNEW IT, WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING SAY IT!?!?!?!?!?
I WANT A FUCKING DIVORCE, DAVE.
Anthony Rizzo went 3-4 with a HR, double, 2 runs, and 2 RBI.
2. Kyle Schwarber went 2-3 with a double. It was a nice performance, and he's been pretty good lately.
3. Jason Heyward is having another lost season, but he did have a 3-run HR that was never in doubt.
1. Joe Maddon decided that was a reward for winning Minor League Pitcher of the Year in the Cubs organization, that he'd start Jen-Ho Tseng in the middle of a division race. I imagine he thought it was fun, and apocryphal should Tseng dominate. He didn't; in fact, his 6th pitch of his first PA went behind Reyes (wouldn't have hurt him, as Tseng works in the mid-80s). Tseng struck out 6 in 3 innings, but that also the number of hits plus walks he allowed and only one more than the number of runs. He sucked, and
2. his battery mate sucked too. While Taylor Davis went 1-1 (yay!), he couldn't field his position. The Cubs have 4 catchers, including one (Caratini) that has ALREADY CAUGHT TSENG BEFORE. Caratini also won the Minor League Hitter of the Year in the Cubs organization, but apparently Maddon doesn't give a fuck about that.
3. Ian Happ had a golden sombrero, and that's just going to be part of his game.
Cardinals @ Cubs, 1:20 PM CST (ABC 7/670 the Score)
Carlos Martinez (3.33 ERA, 200K) vs John "Ratsbane" Lackey (4.65 ERA, 200 HR allowed)
Will the Cubs Win?