It Turns Out Chet Coppock Still Exists and He Doesn’t Like Theo

Sometimes I just can't help myself. I'm a weak man. I admit it. I know I shouldn't always order my cheeseburger with bacon on it, but I do. I know I could do just as well with a single scoop of ice cream, but go ahead and eat it straight out of the container and then wonder how the container is suddenly empty. But the worst thing that happens to me in those instances is that I may someday end up with pain radiating into my arms and/or daily insulin shots.

But that is nothing compared to the almost certain eye and brain cancer I now have from watching a video link I happened to notice on Twitter featuring a man who is so bloviatingly pompous for no good reason, I have to assume he is a one-dimensional character that has escaped from the confines of a poorly written sitcom on TBS.

I don't know why I clicked on it. I knew I shouldn't have, but as I said, I'm a weak man and I ended up watching the corpse of Chet Coppock take time from his busy schedule of being unemployed and inhabiting what appears to be a junior high school gymnasium to mock Theo Epstein. Look at this fucking asshat:

He looks like he is sustaining himself by somehow managing to capture both Mike North and Steve Rosenbloom and storing them in his jowls for later consumption.

Chet is apparently the only person still reading the Sun-Times sports section and he was none too happy about a story he read by Toni Ginetti where Theo shared a bit of truth about the Cubs chances next season. Here's a quote from Theo that got Chet particularly riled up:

“We’re not trying to hide the ball. We’re trying to be honest with [the fans]. There might be some tough things we have to tell them along the way. There might be another trade deadline in our future where we trade away about 40 percent of a really good rotation. You do that because there will be a day when you acquire two starting pitchers at the deadline to cement your club."

Personally, I find the honesty refreshing. The Cubs are finally taking the time to build an actual organization and that is going to mean a few decisions that are painful in the short term. I'm cool with that. Just about every halfway intelligent Cubs fan understands it. Even a lot of the dumber ones get it to a point. Shit, even BCB hasn't given up on Theo yet and that's about as low a baseball IQ as you're going to find among people literate enough to use the internet. But Chet is fired up and if I had to listen to the rambling incoherent nonsense, I'm going to put it here so we can all suffer together:

Theo, Public Relations 101. Do you realize what your fans have gone through this year? During the first year of your administration? What’s to be cheerful about regarding the Cubs right now besides the possibility that Jeff Samardzija might be a legitimate #2 starter… he’ll never be a #1 starter… and in my opinion, Alfonso Soriano, left for dead, might be worthy of consideration as National League Comeback Player of the year.

Theo, you have to realize something. This ballclub has now gone 104 years without a sniff of a winner’s World Series check. Why would you tell your fans that you might once again have a rotation that’s uh… bordering on being halfway decent, but you’ll have to trade 40% of it because you think you’re going to improve the ballclub?

Theo, you know what? Start sipping some kool-aid and start conveying some joy at the Friendly Confines. This morning, I heard radio stations saturated with spots advertising the availability of tickets for Cubs baseball. You know what, Theo? You’ve had a year. The grace period is over. The party is over. Now the job begins. Now, Theo, you will be judged. And I gotta tell you… I can hardly wait for the Cubs Convention. I want to see just how rough and just how tough the Cubs fans are on the wunderkind from Boston.

What the fuck, Theo? YOU'VE HAD A YEAR! HOW COME YOU HAVEN'T COMPLETELY REVERSED THE FORTUNES OF A TEAM THAT THE WRIGLEY FAMILY AND THE TRIBUNE COMPANY SPENT 104 YEARS FUCKING UP? I mean you have been on the job for 335 whole days! That's over 8,000 hours! Almost 500,000 minutes! I mean, you have had almost 30,000,000 seconds to turn this shit around already. What have you been doing? 

I like how Chet is such a fucking dumbass that he can't come up with anything positive Theo has done besides getting lucky with Samardzija and Soriano.  Gee Chet, what else have Theo and Jed done that you might have missed while you were busy building a new website that looks hilariously like Snoozebox.com?  They locked up a franchise shortstop on a ludicrously team-friendly deal that will be a damn steal if Castro evolves as a player even a little bit. They traded an injury-prone reliever for a middle-of-the-order, good fielding first baseman.  They traded aging veterans for prospects that are ranked in the Top 100 of all of baseball. He's started the process of cleaning out the people in baseball operations that contributed to the problems under Hendry in a massive effort to achieve a culture change within the historically stodgy and stagnant organization.  Chet is not impressed.

Chet, on the other hand, has basically accomplished recently what we've accomplished here at OV as a hobby (except we used correctly spelled words on our website).  Well done, buddy.

I'd like to know what Chet would've done in Theo's place?  He seems to be offended by trading away veteran players that have no future with the team just because they seem to be pitching well at the moment. Maybe Chet really liked Dempster's Harry Caray impression and dick jokes and is having trouble adjusting to life without them.  He seems like the kind of person who would, and by that I mean he's retarded.

Maybe Chet has magic powers that could turn Soriano into Bryce Harper? Though that seems unlikely since I'd think he would use his magic to not look like Karl Rove and Rainn Wilson's illegitimate love child.

This is the sort of bullshit from people who pass themselves off as experts that pisses me off to no end and I fucking knew I would regret clicking his fucking link. But the little troll won and I'll never get that three minutes back of my life, and neither will you folks who have bothered to read this. I do apologize for shining a light into a corner of the internet that should probably be left in the dark.

But I feel a little better now and I can go back to only dimly being aware that Chet Coppock even exists anymore. The party is over, Chet.