For several years now Will Carroll has published Team Health Reports. He previously did so at Baseball Prospectus and now does so at SI. I've never been the biggest fan. It seems far too random. Let's take a look at this year's.
2B Darwin Barney
Darwin Barney doesn't sound like a 2B, but he sure played like one last year. In fact, the Wall Street firm of Darwin Barney, Starlin & Castro should be what the accounting firm of Epstein, Hoyer & McCloud build around.
Aside from Phil Rogers, I'm not sure anyone else has said seriously that the Cubs should consider building around Darwin Barney. If a team is going to build around someone whose upside is a league average player then they're probably going to be pretty bad.
SS Starlin Castro
Castro thrived with the increased workload in '11. He's still young for the position and is just shy of yellow because of concerns about what even a minor leg injury could do to his game.
A leg injury can fuck up a lot of careers. Why would a potential minor leg injury even be considered? Are we going to consider a possible broken wrist for power hitters? What about the possibility of terminal cancer? What's the point?
P2 Ryan Dempster
The Angels point to Ryan Dempster when they're asked about C.J. Wilson and his big contract. The career paths aren't identical, but with these results, it's surprising more teams don't at least try it. Then again, there was Andrew Cashner.
If you focus on two of the most successful at converting to the rotation it will always look good. I'm sure there's been a few successful transitions of players moving from 3rd base to SS too. Then again, there was John Smoltz.
Those 3 players, along with Bryan LaHair and Matt Garza are labeled green.
C Geovany Soto
Soto's had the normal, nagging injuries that catchers have without having the devastating ones that too many do. He's never lived up to his rookie breakout, but he's a solid catcher who still has some upside. He gets a Red rating if the Cubs suddenly expose him to 140-plus games, but the dings tend to keep him from that.
So a catcher who plays more games has an increased chance of injury. If I drive across the country I have a greater chance of injury than if I drive around the block. I don't know what Soto's chance of injury is, but I do know it's higher if he plays 141 games than if he plays 140 of them. The least chance of injury for him on a baseball field would be to play 0. The chance of injury increases with each additional game above that.
CF Marlon Byrd
Byrd's yellow rating isn't a good one. His playing time was down last year because the franchise was looking at options. Actually, Byrd's work with Victor Conte — yes, that one — have kept him mostly healthy during his time in Chicago. He's a trade candidate if he can have a good April and May.
He's right. The Cubs were looking at options last year in CF. What are the options for the type of helmet that Byrd can wear after he comes back from getting drilled in the fucking face? That's why his playing time was down. Not because the Cubs were looking at options.
RF David DeJesus
DeJesus was always compared to his predecessor, Johnny Damon. It's valid until you get to the injuries. DeJesus was always dealing with something while Damon was among the healthiest players in the game. That difference is why Damon's getting some debate in the Hall of Fame discussions and DeJesus is a placeholder for the Cubs.
Yep. The difference between Damon, a possible Hall of Fame career and DeJesus is nothing but injuries.
Along with those 3, Chris Volstad and Alfonso Soriano are labeled yellow. The players below are labeled red.
SP Randy Wells
Forearm problems augur elbow issues. Velocity loss tends to predict shoulder issues. Control problems point to elbow issues. Stamina problems tend to go hand in hand with shoulder issues. What happens when you have all of them? You warm up Travis Wood and Jim Andrews.
The toe bone connected to the heel bone,
The heel bone connected to the foot bone,
The foot bone connected to the leg bone,
The leg bone connected to the knee bone,
The knee bone connected to the thigh bone,
The thigh bone connected to the back bone,
The back bone connected to the neck bone,
The neck bone connected to the head bone
CL Carlos Marmol
Marmol showed some fatigue and velocity issues in the second half. Given his long standing mechanical issues — or should I say, alleged issues, since we really don't know if they're bad, but they sure don't look good — it's reasonable to think that the velocity loss is predictive. Managing Marmol isn't just going to be a medical issue and might give us a lot of insight on Chris Bosio, the Cubs new pitching coach.
I expect managing Marmol will provide us as much information about Bosio as it did the previous pitching coaches Marmol has had.
Ian Stewart, Paul Maholm and Kerry Wood are also red.





Never cared for Carroll’s work. Then or now.
Never seen this before but it looks like a steaming pile of shit (dying laughing) Nice breakdown.
The blurb about Byrd suggests that Carroll didn’t actually do the research necessary to write an informative article.
Well done, mb. (dying laughing) at “Byrd’s yellow rating isn’t a good one.” Thanks for explaining the green/yellow/red coding system to us, Will. (dying laughing)
This is about motherfucking color-coded injury ratings.
Also love the Geo write up. If Geo plays a ton of games, he’ll be susceptible to injuries. Fortunately, nagging injuries will keep that from happening.
Is that Carroll in the picture? He looks like David Wells trying to pull off “The Samardzija Look”.
Bubbles lost one of his Survivors in Fantasy Survivor last night. Bubbles is sad
I can’t seem to find our favorite Will Carroll decrying pic of Z after his nohitter
@ Berselius:
I don’t have the images anymore, but the initial post is here: http://dmick89.com/cubs/?p=1273
Follow up: http://dmick89.com/cubs/?p=844
If I haven’t posted it before, here is the link to the ACB Archives: http://dmick89.com/
We also know that being placed on the DL is predictive of injuries.
If anyone cares, Andrew Breitbart —–> Dead.
@ AndCounting:
I know. It’s just so stupid that I don’t even know why it would have to be written. Surely everybody, even the least intelligent person, knows the more you do something physical the more susceptible you are to injuries. A person who never works out has never been injured. A person who works out frequently will have suffered some injuries for one reason or another. Common. Sense.
@ mb21:
“Telling.” (dying laughing)
@ AndCounting:
That or the team exploring other options. Can’t be sure which one anymore.
http://www.baseballprospectus.com/article.php?articleid=16139
@ GBTS:
It is telling, but not for the reasons Will thinks. For one thing, Zambrano absolutely did raise his right arm as high as his left. Secondly, how the fuck is someone’s post-game celebration an indication of injury? He just threw a no-hitter. I liked Will prior to this. I had issues with him from time to time. I interviewed him once and he came off as a cocky, arrogant fuck, but I had respect for him. It was this that changed my mind. It wouldn’t matter how much evidence you put in front of him he was going to say it. He’s an ignorant asshole.
We should do an OV health report. (dying laughing)
@ mb21:
Being hit in the face with fastballs is predictive of team option exploring.
AndCounting: Yellow
He’s beem churning out DFPs at an increased rate. If he slows down he could easily get back to Green, but he’s this close to Red because of concerns of what Alzheimers could one day do to him as a blogger.
I’ve always agreed with MD on Will Carroll. I don’t understand how anyone gives a shit about this stuff. Let a guy with no access to players medical reports guess how they might get hurt. Now with a color coded system!
GBTS wrote:
(dying laughing), we could do another chat that turns into a OV pets health report like we had a few years ago
@ bubblesdachimp:
Cheer up, bubbles: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2108436/Kate-Upton-strips-devours-spicy-burger-extended-Carls-Jr-commercial.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
I’ve also been trying to figure out what this even means: Darwin Barney doesn’t sound like a 2B
Is there a particular sound that does sound like a 2B? I’m going to start using that kind of analysis. Top notch.
@ GBTS:
GBTS: Red
He fought the law…and the law won.
@ Berselius:
Speaking of, how is Aisley’s cat?
Suburban Kid: Red
He claims to be a kid, but his comments and tastes in music points to someone who is much older. Without ever seeing or speaking to him in person, I can say with certainty he is in poor health.
@ GBTS:
Do people really find this sort of stuff sexy? A hot chick eating a huge, nasty-ass cheeseburger that humans probably shouldn’t even be putting in their mouths? This is like watching my dog eat poop. She’s the most adorable and cutest animal, but she’s out there eating poop. Kate Upton is eating poop.
@ mb21:
delicious, delicious poop
Mish: Green
Seems young and does yoga. Be aware, however, this Green rating assumes he is not Batman. If he actually is, then the nagging injuries associated with being a crime-fighting vigilante probably dips him into Yellow.
(dying laughing) I’m loving these OV Health Reports
@ mb21:
What burger?
Is Kate Upton starting to get fatigued being the hottest woman on the planet? Her right knee is lower than her left in that first picture. Telling.
@ GBTS:
This rating also depends on whether he’s had a good night’s rest or has been pulling several all-nighters before facing Bane.
/nerd
@ mb21:
I think I might find Kate Upton sexier if she was putting my (insert body part) in her mouth…but now I probably went too far.
Although if Kate Upton is tired, it’s probably because she’s been dancing on this blog non-stop for like three weeks.
GBTS wrote:
.
GBTS wrote:
I’ll flag this one myself.
@ mb21:
I saw the commercial last night, didn’t realize it was her. Watch the commercial. If you notice the burger you are
gayjosh. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.Announcer top 10.
Completely onboard with lad/nym, but i seem to remember despising the sfg pairing.
Off Topic Baseball Related Stuff:
So whatever happened with Jorge Soler. Did he decide not to sign with the Cubs? Were our reporters making up shit? Will we find out about it in 3 months?
Ricketts to speak at SABR
here’s hoping that he resists jc bradbury’s “players never get old” schtick as well as mgl’s recent “I’ve completely lost my mind” take on berri’s draft paper.
@ Rice Cube:
I like how on a blog that features the forestgif and other examples of ribaldry, my suggestion of Kate Upton performing lewd acts on my anatomy is what crosses the line. Here’s to you, gents.
@ Rice Cube:
Subtley is the key to humor here. Like the Forest Gif.
@ GBTS:
I note that well-placed sarcasm and non sequiturs work as well.
Rice Cube wrote:
It’s not Kate, it’s not the lewd acts. It’s your anatomy (dying laughing)
@ WaLi:
Hardees/Carl Jrs is one of the nastiest places to eat in the world. Had a roommate in college whose favorite pastime was binging and purging monster burgers or whatever they were called then.
@ WenningtonsGorillaCock:
There’s a bit of irony in the source of this statement (dying laughing)
Fair enough.
@ Rice Cube:
Was the correct answer your duodenum? What do I win?
Kate Upton has never been sexier. If she only had a cigarette bubbles would lose it
http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/3064008_460s.jpg
Hmmm having some technical issues with the img tag…
Kate Upton is a replacement level model
@ josh:
Yeah I don’t think I have ever ate there. Are Carl’s Jr and Hardees the same? I don’t eat too much meat really so I avoid fast food places (dying laughing) They always intrigued me though because when most places (Subway) are saying “we are healthy, eat here!” Hardees is like “That healthy shit is nasty, eat our 1400 calorie burger”
@ Mish:
I made the mistake of actually thinking that Batman and Robin would be a good movie and saw it in the theater with my brother. I thought the Bat-skates were the worst part, but no…even worse than the nipples and the Bat-crack on the suits was the fact that Batman had a fucking credit card with his name on it.
/cool story bro’d
@ josh:
That would make Kate Upton a zombie…
@ WaLi:
I think west of Iowa or so, Carl’s Jr. is Carl’s Jr., and on the east, it’s Hardee’s, but the star guy is the same and the food is the same.
what happens if you combine the of abstract genius of will carroll’s color-coded injury system with the intense, high-level mathematics of phil roger’s plus-minus system of evaluating trades? this might be the Universal Theory that scientists have been searching for all these years.
ps – kate upton rules. for now.
@ EnricoPallazzo:
Is that like discovering the baseball equivalent of the Higgs boson?
http://hardballtalk.nbcsports.com/2012/03/01/the-players-are-not-happy-with-the-braun-decision/
Are we rebranding as a Kate Upton blog?
AJ Burnett ———–> orbital fracture on right eye, out indefinitely
And people think the Cubs are cursed.
@ Rice Cube:
yes, if the higgs boson sucked at sportswriting
@ Berselius:
Obviously, this was the point of the bunting tournament. Now other teams want to emulate the fun and look what happens. Sveum is a genius.
@ EnricoPallazzo:
I’m sure the God Particle can write better than most people who call themselves sportswriters.
Calcaterra’s Twitter Q&A:
Kate Upton eating a burger all sexy style ———————-> I’m OK with that.
GBTS calling me unhealthy ——————————> that’s cool
Just hangin’ on the Ave, chillin’ with the crew.
For some reason I though Will Carroll looked like Rob Neyer. I must have mixed them up at some point.
POW! Right in the kisser!
@ Suburban kid:
I always thought he looked like Big Pun.
Burnett kisses with his eye?
I tried a bunch of different ways, I don’t know how to embed a Youtube video.
@ jtsunami:
Ah, so it’s not just me. I think something in the comments code is screwed up and keeps deleting picture and Youtube links. Had the same issue this morning but just figured I was doing something wrong. Which happens quite often, actually.
@ Rice Cube:
I think it’s something to do with the spam filter, or the server for those images rejecting hotlinking.
Test
I guess Cubs.com doesn’t like hotlinks either. Let’s try Lamebook.
Negative…looks like there’s an epic filter against external links.
Yes I am having the same problem. How am I supposed to turn this into a weak-ass imitation of 4Chan without pics?
test
@ Mish:
Try this one that’s hosted locally
http://www.obstructedview.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Sisko-facepalm.gif
If we cannot post externally, the Sisko facepalm pic will be the visual equivalent of the word “Smurf” in the Smurf language.
And even then, I cannot post the Sisko facepalm. Truly the berselius must have magical powers.
@ jtsunami:
don’t give up, if it’s another kate upton pic. otherwise, i’m indifferent.
I think MB said the youtubes have to be in a certain URL format
Like the format they give you for sharing a video doesn’t work, i.e, http://youtu.be/qOhRE4wDK6w
I think this format with the “watch” bit will work by just pasting it in a comment:
Mish wrote:
It’s probably a health-related issue. I’m downgrading you to Yellow.
Of course we need mother fucking filters. We have too many children on this mother fucking blog to not have fucking filters.
#thisisaboutmotherfuckingfilters
jtsunami wrote:
So is this
@ Suburban kid:
Don’t try to guise your real age by embedding a YouTube video of a recent hip hop group the kids are listening to.
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Greatest Moment in Filter History:
Download | Convert YouTube to MP3
(dying laughing) @ the second comment.
I was going to post a picture of a Brita filter but then I got reminded of Britta from Community, which returns in 2 weeks from today.
Rice Cube wrote:
Just now getting around to reading every word. He’s doing better, RC. He’s been pretty high on phenobarbital since Saturday and we are cutting his dosage. The poor guy can barely walk to his food bowl without falling over. But his seizures have stopped now, so that’s good. He’s eating and drinking and seems content when he isn’t stumbling around like a drunken sailor. I think we can probably still say his status is red, though.
(dying laughing)
(dying laughing)
@ GBTS:
Since when is guise a verb?
GBTS wrote:
.
@ Suburban kid:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/guise
‘Twould appear I also am having issues posting images.
GBTS wrote:
Indeed.
@ GBTS:
This should prevent you from posting too many images. Keeping you at green as long as this reduction in image posting protects you from injury.
http://hardballtalk.nbcsports.com/2012/03/01/brace-yourselves-for-another-drug-suspension-appeal/
(dying laughing)
Wrong house. That’s new.
Rice Cube wrote:
/Yellon’d
The issue with posting images is a software problem. The other day we were hacked. The hacker was at least cute enough to begin to turn the backend of the site into the twitter busy page, which actually made me laugh. Well, not really since I had to figure the shit out, but thinking about it now it definitely makes me laugh. As I was trying to fix this, I reinstalled the WordPress files. As a result, the file I edited to allow you to post images was overwritten. I hadn’t thought about that. I’ll try to get to it later today.
This is what I’m brewing right now.
http://beeradvocate.com/im/beers/1093.jpg
@ GBTS:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/guise
Doesn’t say anything about any verb.
You’ll note Merriam-Webster has been in the business of dictionaries for a few centuries, while dictionary.reference.com was founded in 2003 in someone’s mom’s basement.
WaLi wrote:
This is what I’ll be drinking in 3 weeks:
@ Aisle424:
Well aren’t you fancy with your whiskey barrel and your pictures. /jealous
@ WaLi:
Did you get a clone from Bell’s or somewhere else? We just brewed a Two Brothers Cane & Ebel clone that came out really good, got the recipe straight from the brewery.
bubblesdachimp wrote:
You mean if she only spoke in the third person….
@ Mercurial Outfielder:
It isn’t going to be an exact clone since the yeast isn’t from them, but the recipe is supposed to be similar.
WaLi wrote:
It isn’t all fun and games. My wallet is too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight.
@ Suburban kid:
Guise – N – I went out last night with the guise in Boystown.
Belated facepalm
http://www.obstructedview.net/chicago-cubs/daily-facepalm-3-1-12-expanded-playoffs-edition.html