Ask OV: Questions About Bleachers, Breasts, Beer, and, For Some Reason…John Elway and the 1979 Royals

Today we are excited to start another new feature where we will answer our readers' questions.  Of course, since this is the first installment, we haven't had any questions actually submitted to us.  That would be a problem for a lesser blog, but not for one as discredited as we are.  Occasionally, people will find their way to our corner of the internet by asking a question of their Google machine and they somehow wind up here.  Well, now we'll answer some of the queries that have led here.  For anyone who wants to submit a question directly to us, please use the Contact tab above or this link to submit your question along with the subject, "Ask OV."  We can't guarantee when we'll get around to answering it because, frankly, we've got shit to do, but we do want this to be a regular enough feature that I don't feel like I wasted my time creating a banner for it.

Q. Why can't you measure intangibles?

Because you can't measure heart, that's why.  But seriously, how would one measure leadership?  Or grittiness? Or chemistry?  The reason they are called intangibles is that they can't really be quantified in any meaningful way.  Sure, there are people who believe that Koyie Hill's clubhouse presence made everyone on the team better by half of a win, but that is just assigning value arbitrarily.  If teams ever figure out a meaningful metric to use to determine intangible qualities in players, it would revolutionize player analysis. Maybe this is what the Cubs have Ari Kaplan working on these days.

Q. When John Elway was drafted by the Kansas City Royals in 1979 who was the Kansas City Royals third baseman who said John Elway should play football instead of baseball?

I am not making these questions up.  This is an awfully complicated way of asking who the 3rd baseman for the 1979 Royals was, but it was George Brett.

Q. Why are Cubs bleachers 140?

I'm going to intrepret this to mean, "Why do the Cubs Bleacher tickets cost $140?"  Well, the Cubs are trying out a dynamic pricing model for the Bleacher seats that will change the price of the game based on how popular it is.  I'm assuming whoever asked this question is trying to get Bleacher seats for the Red Sox series.  Those are currently the highest prices Bleacher seats available at $140 each (before taxes, fees, and convenience charges).  Opening Day will run you $100, The White Sox series are running from $78 to $100, depending on when you want to go.  The July Cardinals series Bleacher tickets are currently between $78 to $110.

Q. Old Style not being sold at Cubs games?

Last year there was a report that Old Style wanted out of its contract with the Cubs.  Our friend, wpbc (who runs the awesome tumblr site, Holy Coleslaw), wrote an Unobstructed View about it.  But then in September, the contract got renewed. Fear not. That shitty Midwest beer will still be flowing at Wrigley.

Q. What is Kim DeJesus' breast size?

I want to assure David DeJesus (whom we are sure is a very reasonable and peace-loving man) and his giant kick-ass truck, that none of us on this blog would have inside information on this topic.  Please do not run us over.  Thank you.

Q. Who did the Cubs trade for Theo Epstein?

Until recently, this seemed like it was going to forever be one of those unknowable mysteries, like what Aramis Ramirez's contract said or how much the Cubs owe Carlos Silva.  But then, from out of nowhere, an answer to this question is taking shape.  In late February, the Cubs' relief pitching prospect, Chris Carpenter was informed he would be heading to Boston as part of the compensation package for Theo.  But we also learned that day that there would be two Players to be Named Later to be involved in the deal, one going from the Cubs to the Red Sox, and another going from the Red Sox to the Cubs.  Yesterday, another relief pitcher prospect from A ball, Aaron Kurcz, was named the Cubs PTBNL to go to the Red Sox.  Now the only remaining piece of the puzzle is who the player coming back from the Sox will be.  We expect to learn that sometime during the regular season…. of 2020.

We hope you enjoyed the first installment of Ask OV. We hope you'll send us your questions so we can bestow our vast wisdom and knowledge upon you in the near future.