Electoral College has hired Donald Trump, 70, as the new general manager of the United States Americans.
Terms of the deal are not finalized, but they look to be 4/59,611,678, with a 4 year team option.
Trump said “I’ve spent my entire life in business, looking at the untapped potential in projects and in people all over the world.”
“That is now what I want to do for our country. Tremendous potential. I’ve gotten to know our country so well. Tremendous potential. It is going to be a beautiful thing. Every single American will have the opportunity to realize his or her fullest potential.”
Americans have no doubt looked into the masterwork that Theo Epstein has done with the Cubs, and emulated the same strategy of getting way worse before you get better.
“If you look at the Cubs, they were just kind of mediocre for a while. It took 2 or 3 years of awful baseball before they finally took that giant leap forward. We think that Trump is just the manager to shepherd us through that first part,” said Cletus Barnwell Jr., his confederate flag fanny pack overflowing with coupons to the local St. Louis-style pizza joint.
Missouri voted for Donald Trump by a 57-38 margin.
“I’ve had successes and I’ve had setbacks. Sometimes, really painful ones. Many of you are at the beginning of your professional, public, and political careers—you will have successes and setbacks too,” Hillary Clinton said.
“This loss hurts, but please never stop believing that fighting for what’s right is worth it.”
This was Clinton’s second high-profile loss in the latter stages of the interviewing process. Many will remember her loss for the ’08 vacancy, when she was passed over for the first black manager in our history. Clinton now has the honor of being passed over for the first child president in our history as well.
America has never hired a woman manager for some fucking reason.
America’s newest manager is going to have a lot of tough decisions, with a spot in the Supreme Court left to fill and a vast pool of free agents with which to fill it. The Civil Rights Act is also set to expire soon – earliest indications are that Trump is not looking to re-sign that one. Generally, a new manager wants to bring in his own staff as well, and we’ve already heard that he plans to bring on living bag of sweat Chris Christie as his Attorney General, though perhaps generic 90’s villain Rudolph Giuliani will get the call. The only certain move is that Secretary of State will be Newt Gingrich, who is exactly what you imagine someone named Newt Gingrich is.
The Electoral College’s plan seems clear. They expect to get bad in the next 4 years. Really bad. Like, how on Earth could it be this bad? That will probably weed out the voters who just wanted a “real talker” and the demographic of people who want presidents that lose 916 million dollars in a single year for some reason. Then, some strong minority development should in turn make the farm system of not insane candidates much more robust, and we’ll start to see them rise through the ranks of mayoral positions, state reps, and eventually even governorships, national representatives, and senators. If they get this right, they can emerge from the next few years stronger than they ever were before.
Or, they could complain ineffectually on the internet and think that changes something.
One thing is clear. The United States Americans are about to see some very bad inside baseball.