Well, Ryan Braun issued an apology. It was very apologetic. He apologized to everyone. Fans, teammates, the Brewers organization, sponsors, Bud Selig, the urine collector… anyone anywhere that has ever heard of Ryan Braun has now been apologized to. In a written statement.
Personally, I don't care how he delivered his apology. He could have done it in skywriting or spelled it out in rose petals and it wouldn't change the fact that the only reason he issued any sort of apology is because he was out of options. This was all that was left to do. That's not understanding the error of your ways, that's just damage control. Personally, I would like Braun a hell of a lot more if he had stood behind a podium and said something like this:
Well, you got me. What can I say? I tried righteous denial… that was a bust.
I tried blaming the poor schmuck whose job it is to tote my piss around… that worked for a little while. But I probably went too far by calling him an anti-Semite Cubs fan. Nobody should ever be accused of being a Cubs fan. So, sorry about that, bubbe.
So now I'm going to take my suspension because I've run out of people on which to shift blame and I'm supposed to do a little song-and-dance that my handlers have dubbed Operation Fake Contrite Apology.
Well I'm not going to do that. I took steroids. I'm a competitor and I do whatever it takes to be better than everybody else. That's what made me who I am. If I have to bend the rules a bit to get around what are only meant to protect sacred cow numbers posted by some fat asshole in New York a million years ago, then so fucking be it.
You want an apology? You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Son, we live in a world that has homeruns, and those homeruns have to be hit by men with bats. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Commisioner Selig?
I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for the sanctity of the game, and you curse PEDs. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know… that the surpassing of homerun records, while "tragic," probably drove revenues. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, builds revenues.
You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you WANT me on steroids hitting 500 foot homeruns, you NEED me on steroids hitting 500 foot homeruns.
We use words like work, dedication, competition. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent trying to win games. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a media who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the games' popularity that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said, "Thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a bat, and get in the batter's box.
Either way, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE ENTITLED TO!
At least that would be real.